stuff your DM doesn't tell you
by jynxhasadragon
Summary: welcome to Faerûn, adventurer! beware these roads, for dragons lie ahead. and if you happen to stumble across a statue of a four-armed gargoyle, please leave it be. it's getting tired of having to scrub off the spiderwebs and bat guano and has eaten three adventurers already. and keep track of your d4's for your sake and everyone else's. they hurt. [wip, random updates]
1. Chapter 1

**What Not To Do While Playing Dungeons and Dragons v. 5e**

so I decided to compile this list of stuff after yet another...experience...with less experienced players. most of these are true, whilst others are thrown is as a precaution.

1\. do not, under any circumstances, make fun of the bard's singing. even if it really is as bad as you claim.

2\. don't call the bard a 'bird-honking menace to society.'

3\. do not, under any circumstances, play lawful stupid. please.

4\. do not let the narcoleptic gnome monk who thinks he is a human go off on his own in the _Tomb of Annihilation._

5\. do not give the narcoleptic gnome monk who thinks he is a human a _bead of force._

6\. in fact, take away the _bead of force_ should they ever acquire one. or six. especially when they decide to build a mini toy soldier grenade with them, only to roll a 3 and fall asleep while operating said machine.

7\. beware the DM when they start rolling dice for an unknown reason.

8\. do not attempt to force-feed a _philter of love_ to your crush's PC. Especially if they know you have a crush on them.

9\. emphasized by the fact that your crush happens to be the DM's daughter.

10\. do not attempt to blackmail the DM.

11\. do not attempt to blackmail the strange man you met who happens to have gold eyes, face, skin, hair, hands, clothes, and sword. especially if you see scales.

12\. actually, if you see a person with scales, leave them be. Fenthazu does not like visitors, especially visitors who reanimate her dead body to serve the PC as a zombie slave.

13\. do not blackmail the lich at level 3.

14\. do not sell the wizard's spellbook, no matter how bratty she is. it will bite you later. sometimes literally.

15\. for that matter, don't imitate the wizard when she's casting her spells. especially when she has _true polymorph_ prepared and the player is an artist.

16\. do not kill Floon Blagmaar unless you have a really good DM.

17\. do not kill the DM's favorite NPC.

18\. do not insult the paladin's god in front of them. especially if you worship a god yourself.

19\. do not assume that just because a creature is cute it must be perfectly harmless.

20\. take the druid's word for a grain of sand when she says something is 'cute.'

21\. do not piss off the thief, especially when you've been saving up to buy plate mail.

22\. do not piss off the healer. they have long memories.

23\. do not leave the bratty unconscious ranger outside the cave when you just fought a small pack of werewolves. they will blame their death on you and their next character will somehow remember your sins despite never being present at the situation.

24\. do not attempt to help that grizzly bear get the beehive, even if the druid thinks it's cute.

25\. do not pet the hellhounds.

26\. do not stick your hand into a _sphere of annihilation._

27\. do not attempt to shove a stick up the dragon's a$$.

28\. do not kill the chickens.

29\. do not let the wizard with the _fireball_ spell get drunk. if this occurs, go for the bartender first, because you never have enough gold to cover damages.

30\. do not enter mysterious shops while in the City of Brass.

31\. if you are playing the assassin, don't tell anyone of your plans.

34\. if you hate the assassin and you happen to find out about the assassin's plans, don't share them to all of Faerûn. your party will never forgive you, and if they do, you'll end up dead either way.

35\. do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are small and taste good with ketchup (i have this shirt actually)

and last but certainly not least

36\. never, _ever_ , give the pyromaniac barbarian a barrel of explosives because no one else wanted it.


	2. Chapter 2

**What Not To Do While Playing Dungeons and Dragons v. 5e (continued?)**

and i'm back with more life-threatening advice to share! it is currently 2:38 AM as i write this and i am wallowing in my self pity atm, but lets get on with this before the bard decides its a good idea to attempt to seduce the ace vampire. even if he rolled a 29 on persuasion.

37\. don't crack jokes with a copper dragon while in the feywild. wizards of the coast is not responsible for any burning/melting caused by accidental acid splashes that may occur.

38\. don't give a _bag of holding_ to the necromancer, unless you really enjoy watching them pull several seemingly random appendages and month-old corpses out for reanimation to replace destroyed meat shields.

39\. don't give the grey slaad stone to the paladin with a penchant for torture of evil beings.

40\. if the previously mentioned paladin with a penchant for torture of evil beings does happen to gain said grey slaad stone, stay very, very far away until one or the other ends up dead. if betting ensues, do not let the paladin know you placed your money on the slaad.

41\. avoid pop culture references, unless you happen to be the DM and really, really want to roleplay Tim the Enchanter.

41\. avoid blasting Panic! at the Disco during combat while playing as the bard. negative effects have been dealt, including, but not limited to, killing the bachelor, having high hopes shattered, becoming king of the clouds via _reverse gravity_ spell, or causing the sun to blacken for a full impossible year.

42\. while on the topic of pop culture, refrain from naming your completely average-stat male human wizard arthur dent, unless your DM is a huge _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ fan.

43\. don't buy a pony at daggerford then have the rogue distract the guards while you yourself ride said pony out into the streets while performing a one-man bladedancing show on top of the newly-bought pony while having the wizard make sparkling effect and shout profanities towards the onlookers, only to find out that the DM has outlawed riding any form of mount, including said pony, within city limits

44\. don't resist arrest if you fail your sleight of hand check to pickpocket guards while they are struggling with the bladancing-sparkling-pony crisis

45\. don't lie to the ruling class even after you rolled a nat one on deception, especially when dealing with the Red Wizards of Thay (tm)

46\. don't try to throw your friends into a one-way extradimensional portal with no way of knowing where he'll end up, especially after you lowered the end of a rope inside only to have half the length returned


	3. Chapter 3

**What Not To Do While Playing Dungeons and Dragons v. 5e (continued, apparently)**

and i return after a time of insanity and interrupting the DM, with more unspoken rules of this cursed game. and oh, joy, are we in for a treat today

47\. don't 1v1 a hydra, even if you somehow survive. you'll give your dead wife a heart attack and she'll die. again.

48\. to all the dms out there: dont give anyone a vorpal sword if there happens to be a divination wizard in the party. you'll regret it, i promise you.

49\. don't throw your longsword. especially if you don't have one.

50\. check your surroundings before you cast burning hands. unless your party is really annoying, then by all means, go right ahead.

51\. don't challenge a bulette at level two (we won, but only because our rogue had swiped a few vials of purple worm poison from the wizard's tower a while back).

52\. don't play the animal crossing theme during combat against a bulette.

53\. maybe don't attempt to bind someone's wounds if you have a -1 medicine (my sister is still salty about that)

54\. hiding in a tree doesn't make you immune to bulette attacks.

55\. neither does hiding behind another pc who is definitely not hiding.

56\. if you're playing a monk, feel free to grab the gnome rogue and make a run for it if things start looking bad.

57\. if you're playing a gnome rogue, feel free to allow the monk to carry you as he bolts for a safer area. you wont ever move so quickly in your life, i'm telling you.

58\. dont be that one paladin in the middle of a bulette fight.

59\. pay attention to what's going on during said bulette fight.

60\. don't charge into a swampy area that smells like acid, especially if the dm rolled high on the random encounters table.

61\. if you happen to encounter a black dragon in said acidic area of the swamp, leave the bard as sacrifice and run.

62\. if you happen to be the bard, consider multiclassing as a cleric as you pray to the gods for mercy on your poor soul.

63\. don't trick the one researcher npc into walking through a portal leading to a pocket dimension with no known exit, especially when the gith have left and the mind flayer begins to wake up.

64\. don't lie to the lady in charge when she asks how the researcher ended up in the pocket dimension with no known exit.

65\. don't try to kill the lady in charge and use your unrelated geas spell as an excuse.

66\. as dm, avoid letting your varient human player roll their initial stats. with a little bit of shuffling, i was able to get two 18's and a 9 initiative at level 1.

67\. don't ditch the party to get drunk when baldur's gate is under dragonfire.

68\. if you ever find a high elf necromancer named tranduel with a grey slaad, a shield guardian, five zombies (including one yuan ti named Fenthazu and a kobold), a large pot of chultan design, and a strange pendant, please report your findings to the local sheriff. his party is looking for him, and he causes enough trouble on his own.

69\. if you encounter a cambion looking for a bard named claria, either ignore him, kill him, or feed him moon cakes. nice.

70\. don't remove the immovable rod from the purple worm's mouth. it's the only thing keeping everyone from dying immediately.

71\. don't try to steal a sacred religious artifact and replace it with a trinket of similar appearance with _enlarge_ cast on it to mimic the original.

72\. especially in a country where magic forbidden.

73\. in the more than likely scenario that you are caught, death is a preferable option.


End file.
